(When Crow's black-hearted clone discovers the temptation of true power)
EVIL TIMMY
Evil Timmy, crouched by sleeping Crow
Was a nervous wreck. No place to go!
Alas, his 'good' twin was snoring
And the SOL turned unutterably boring
Leaving his devious imagination flacid.
There's nothing worse than living placid
For an evil twin with energy to spare
And inclinations to rampage with flair.
With umbrage so big, he can't absorb it,
He beams himself to geosychronous orbit!
Here's his chance for endless delights
By messing with television satellites!
By crossing wires and toggling switches
He manufactures untold riches
Of bandwidths skewed and abused,
Leaving viewers goggling and confused.
Since when, they wonder, in a muddle,
Did Kerry Weaver join the Green Bay huddle?
Murphy Brown runs the Defense Department?
Why are Chippendales in Scully's apartment?
How come commercials now run an hour?
Who put bleachers in Skinner's shower?
Diagnosis Jeapardy? Have we ever seen a
Grim Robert Stack do the macarena?
Grinning, Evil Timmy, blackly hearted,
Checks transponders, just getting started
To really bemuse, fiendly disquieting.
He'll have earth's population rioting!
He's boogiein' now, and just for fun
Sends Mulder to 3rd Rock From the Sun,
Fixes McBeal up with Hercules,
Magnum's in Cicely, starts to freeze,
Father Ray starts praying to Athena
And Frasier shrinks his new client, Xena.
Baywatch is de-colored to black and white,
Then he messes with real life, for spite.
Oh, such power! His ego's climbing,
But, shrewd enough to eye the timing,
Timmy wants to be all that he can be
And in global chaos, finds his destiny!
Love Boat reruns, 24 hours a day,
America's Most Wanted seeks Tammy Fay.
The Mir begs advice from Maurice,
Saddam surrenders to Della Reese.
Victoria's results in universal sunburn
CSM appears on Howard Stern,
Brandon suffers flashbacks to QVC,
The Simpson clan's on Biography!
In no time at all the world's stunned,
And starts reading books. TV's shunned!
Programmers go postally cuckoo,
TV execs commit ritual sebbuku,
Valium stock goes through the roof,
Cable company profits go 'poof',
Wall Street suspends daily trading,
The United Nations thinks of raiding
Timmy's aerie, where he's nestling,
But ambassadors prefer All Star Wrestling.
Entire populations revolt, delirious!
Finally, the powers that be get serious.
They turn to Frank and his visions
To psych out Timmy with precision.
But with one insight, he goes all scowly,
"Way too evil. I'm off for Maui."
To fend away entertainment's deathblow
They call on sardonic Lennie Briscoe
Whom Timmy deflects with a laser spurt.
Braindead, Lennie courts Martha Stewart.
Next on the list for a lethal bombard
Is the stoic, impenetrable Jean-Luc Picard,
But shrill giggling bursting from Timmy's mouth
Drives him to slashing tires on Brooklyn South.
To prevent further mindless slaughters
The world recruits Dr. Phillip Waters.
'His noble sentiments will save the day!'
But Timmy hands him a sequined moire
Jumpsuit. Now Phil runs MTV.
The globe's debauched. No guarantees.
But calculating the odds, though low,
Humble themselves, and send Geraldo.
With such an example, Timmy yells, 'Thanks!'
And Geraldo progresses to knocking over banks.
Immobility approaches, as happens when
The public, desperate, yearns for 'Rambo, Pt. 10'.
Meanwhile, Crow finally wakes from his
nap,
Looks at Timmy's work, yells "Whatta sap!
You really want mayhem? Destroy their will?
The cut the bandwidth down to nil!
Parse it out in bits and pieces!
Make 'em whimper 'til hell freezes!
They'll make you supreme being! Ironclad!"
But Timmy thinks, no, he'd rather be bad.
But 'bad' on a scale never before seen.
He negotiates, wipes the slate clean,
With some blackmail and stealth, CEOs crack,
And let him program "When The Waltons Attack".