"Showdown'" Part 12 - "Rats in Space"
by Robin

Alex Krycek was dreaming. It was a nice dream. He was a boy again at his childhood home in St. Petersberg, sitting in bed playing with his favorite woobie, Misha the Bunny. His mommy came in to tuck him in and wish him good night. Krycek smiled beatifically up into her large black eyes as she fastened the straps...Whoa!!! Something was *wrong* here. Mommy had *green* eyes! Straps!? There were no straps on his bed!! Krycek snapped to full consciousness like a latex glove on a proctologist's hand.
To his horror, he found himself naked and trussed to some sort of gurney, surrounded by tiny gray beings who kept pointing at him and making a stange chuffing noise which he began to suspect was the Reticulan version of mocking laughter.
"No-o-o-o! Not again!" Krycek wailed. First the Oil Thingie and now this! One thing was certain, as an independent contractor, he had no hopes of getting health care coverage for whatever painful and humiliating treatment he suspected he was about to receive! Speaking of which, a whirring noise off to his left alerted him to an active drill bit, slowly advancing toward his head.
Krycek alternately thrashed and howled in fear while the creatures watched in apparant amusement. If only he had a weapon, a way to break free... The prosthesis! It had done an interesting job of decimating the docks, surely it could handle a little alien restraint! He wrenched his left arm back and forth with all the strength he had...no effect! What the...? He frowned.
A couple of Reticulans who had been lounging against the wall, chatting, stepped forward and grabbed Alex by the head, strapping it firmly in place and angling it so that the drill was aimed precisely at his left ear.
One Reticulan bent over him, watching the process intently. It seemed impatient with Alex's screams of pain as the probe tore into the tender flesh of his inner ear. Alex screamed through the whole procedure only stopping when the probe was removed with a soft popping sound. He was amazed to discover that the pain was gone as well.
The aliens busied themselves removing the straps and helping Krycek sit up. Alex looked at them reproachfully, wiping the tears off his face and doing a quick inspection of his person. The prosthesis had been tampered with. It looked like a battery was missing and it was no longer ticking. Alex frowned, wondering what had become of the bomb that Marita Covarrubias had implanted in the thing. He looked up at the watching creature questioningly. It chattered at him and pointed at his lap. Alex's eyes bugged out like a rooster on acid. His "personal equipment" had been...enhanced! *Really* enhanced!
"Hey! - Does this thing *work*?" he asked the Reticulan incredulously. The creature picked up an object that looked like a TV remote and pointed it at Alex, who winced and drew up his knees protectively. The alien clicked a button...
"Doorahm nato bust doodoo?" It said. Alex peeked over his knees cautiously.
"What? What did you say?" The alien sighed and pressed another button.
"Klost deleto smegma frat?" It said. Alex frowned and shook his head in the negative.
"Sorry, Pal...I don't follow." Once again the little gray guy pressed a button.
"How about now? Do you understand me now?' It asked wearily.
"Hey! You speak English!" Alex grinned. The alien sighed in relief.
"No, actually I don't. The device we implanted in your head is translating my thought waves so that you can understand me."
"That *hurt* by the way..."
"Don't be such a baby! You suffered no permanent damage even though it took us hours to get that plutonium out of there."
"OK...So...what am I doing here, exactly?"
"Well, Alex, - you don't mind if I call you Alex?"
"No. Not at all. What should I call you?"
" Call me Hed-gai."
Krycek eyed the little gray creature with some suspicion.
"Hed-gai? Are you kidding?" he asked. The Reticulan drew itself up to it's full 4' 6".
"That *is* my name...and you're a fine one to talk. Have you any idea what Alex means in Reticulan?"
"No and I'm not interested. Just tell me what you want from me Hed-gai."
"The Thong, of course." Alex started in surprise.
"The Thong of Power?! You want it *too*!" Hed-gai nodded complacently. Alex thought about that a moment.
"Um...what exactly would you *do* with it. I mean..." he gestured weakly at the alien's crotch. "It's not like you could *wear* it or anything..."
"No, of course not," Hed-gai said irritably "although I don't think it's very polite of you to point it out like that!"
"Sorry..."
"That's why we altered *you*! You're going to wear it and help us take over the world."
"I *am*?" Alex brightened considerably at the thought.
"Yes. And don't even entertain the thought of using it against *us*," he told Krycek, who was doing that very thing. "Because we've taken steps to prevent you."
"Steps?" Krycek squeaked uneasily.
"Yes. First, we removed the source of power from your arm so you can't use it as a weapon against us. We'll give you the D-cell when you are back on Earth."
"I was wondering what happened..." Alex said. picking idly at the wires trailing out of the prosthetic arm.
"And, just to be sure you bring the Thong back to us once you've found it, we reset the timer on the incendiary device from your arm and placed it in the prosthesis *we* gave you..."
Alex's eyes widened in horror. he looked down at his lap. Then he looked at Hed-gai. Then he looked down at his lap again. Then he looked at Hed-gai again. Then he looked down at his lap. Then he collapsed on the gurney sobbing brokenly.
Hed-gai stepped away to give Alex a moment to explore his deeper feelings and compose himself. Finally, Krycek sat up, clutching the sheet from the gurney which he used to wipe his streaming nose and eyes. He fixed a resentful glare on Hed-gai.
"Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't you just take Scully again and leave me out of this?"
"Scully? Oh dear, no..." He chuffed some of that weird alien laughter. "One failed experiment is quite enough, thak you."
"What failed experiement?" Krycek asked, interested in spite of his situation.
"Well our first plan was to kill all of the men of your planet. So we thought we'd mix some female DNA with that of some of your more interesting bugs - Black Widow spiders, Katydids..."
"Hey! They kill their mates after sex..."
"Exactly."
Alex thought about that a minute. Then his eyes widened in understanding.
"And you used *Scully* as a test subject!"
"Yes. Her highly developed libido made her an ideal candidate for the project. And at first things looked so promising..."
"Scully?... Libido?" Krycek had never thought to use the two words in the same sentence.
"Oh, quite. She spent many Satuday nights cruising singles bars for a little action."
Alex whistled softly at the thought.
"What we didn't anticipate was her highly developed sense of responsibility for her actions. That first weekend she was back she took to her old habits and picked up a CPA in a fern bar on Racine...but after she bit off his head, well, she must have figured out what we'd done."
"She *bit* off his *head*??"
"Well, maybe we were a little heavy handed with the Katydid DNA, I dunno. At any rate, once she realized what she was, she foreswore sex altogether."
"So *that* explains why she' the only female in the world that can resist Skinner..."
"And the only one, other than Skinner and yourself, who can handle the Thong..." Hed-gai added. "Speaking of which, it's time for you to go."
Krycek heard an ominous ticking begin in the region of his crotch. He sighed.
"How long have I got?"
"72 hours. Where would you like us to set you down?"
Alex thought about that. His best chances of recovering the Thong were to stick as close as he could to Skinner and Scully - - and they were on their way to Mulder's place. He gave Hed-gai the address.
"One thing before I go..."
"And that is?"
"Can I have my clothes back?"
"Oh, sure!...We made some adjustment to the jeans to accomodate the, uh..."
"The, um..?"
"Right."
"Right.
Alex had no sooner finished dressing then a couple of Hed-gai's guys grabbed him by his arms and heaved him into a brilliant beam of white light.

When he came to, Krycek found himself next to a dumpster in the alley next to Mulder's apartment building. Pulling himself to his feet, he felt a lump in his jacket pocket. It was the D-cell Hed-gai had promised. Alex rigged it back into his prosthetic arm (hereinafter referred to as the "upper prosthetic") and tested it by using the dumpster to do a set of biceps curls, grinning happily. The sound of his ticking fly caused the grin to vanish like so many prawns at a wedding banquet. It was a chastened and grim Alex Krycek that made his way up four flights of stairs and pounded on the door of #42.
Mulder, still wearing the sodden clothing that he had swum home in some hours before, answered the door with a boyish smile that turned to a boyish pout when he saw it was Alex.
"Oh...it's you. I was expecting Scully."
Alex pushed his way past Mulder and entered the storge closet Mulder called his apartment, flopping on the couch.
"Don't worry, she's on her way. And she has Skinner with her."
"You can't just come barging in here, like this! Who do you think you are?! You killed..."
"I know, I know," Krycek said listlessly. He was beginning to feel sleepy. It had been a very long day.
"Killed your father. Killed Scully's sister. Liar. Coward. Yadda yadda..." he settled himself more comfortably on the couch and contemplated taking a nap until the S&S team arrived. Mulder looked at him, deflated.
"Well...you did!"
"Did not..."
"Did too!" Mulder's lower lip trembled.
"Did *not*" Krycek corrected him dispassionately.
"Did!" Mulder's voice broke on what promised to be the first of many sobs. Alex fixed him with a disapproving stare.
"Don't be such a baby. I'm trying to sleep here."
"Is your crotch ticking?" Mulder asked, distracted. Alex didn't like the look of boyish fascination on Mulder's face.
"Never mind that. Just wake me when they get here."
Mulder moved a little closer and bent down, turning his ear toward the fly of Alex's denim pants. Alarmed, Krycek slid up to a sitting position.
"Stop that!" he said testily.
"You...*look* different!" Mulder announced, staring at Krycek's crotch with boyish curiosity.
"Knock that off! How would you know...Don't answer that! I don't want to know!." He grabbed the afghan on the back of the couch and covered his nether regions defensively. Distracted again, Mulder made a boyish moue.
"Why are Scully and Skinner coming here?" Alex relaxed somewhat and made himself comfortable again.
"It doesn't concern you. Don't worry about it." He composed himself for sleep. Mulder pouted, boyishly.
"Oh. It's just as well," he announced with a boyish shrug. "I can give him back The Thong..."
Alex sat bolt upright at Mulder's words.
"You have it? You really *do* have the Thong of Power?"
"Well...yeah."
"The Thong of *Power*? *The* Thong of Power? *You* have it?"
"Sure," Mulder grinned in a manner commensurate with boyishness. "I bought it off some geezer at the docks for $75."
Krycek shook his head, feeling betrayed by a universe that would turn one of his many convenient lies into the truth without even warning him. On one hand, it was good to know that the hunt was over so easily. On the other he wanted to grind Mulder's
relentlessly boyish face into mush. He looked at Mulder suspiciously.
"You didn't?...no. You didn't."
"Try it on? Sure I did."
"No way!"
"Did too."
"Did not."
"Did *too*" Mulder's lip began it's tender and boyish tremble.
"Did *not*"
"Did!" Mulder pointed to scorch marks on his jeans. Alex started at the sight and then looked at Mulder aghast.
"You tried it on *over* your clothes?!"
"Sure! Why not?"
"Mulder, you are without a doubt the most twisted, sick and pathetic person I know. It's no wonder you never made it to first base with Scully."
"Hey! I respect her too much for that. We're too caught up in my work..."
"Right, Fox. And you think she's *really* sitting home on Saturday nights working on a monograph, don't you?" Alex sneered cruelly. Mulder looked at him doubtfully.
"Yeah...so ? What about it?"
"Mulder, No one works on a monograph for over four years! Putz!"
Having the truth laid out before him like that left Mulder with no choice but to break down sobbing and writhing on the floor, looking for all the world like he was suffering from a virulent case of constipation. Krycek decided that this was the moment to stike.
"OK Mulder," he spat, picking up the couch with his (upper prosthesis) and holding it over Mulder's head.
" I want that Thong and I want it *now*"
Mulder looked up at him in terror.
Just then there was a knock at the door...

To be continued....

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