"Touch of Satan"
Kevin Costner, checking out locations
for his next acclaimed blockbuster, "The Postman Treads Waterworld",
stumbles
onto a homey, old-fashioned community where he proceeds to jaywalk,
trade incomprehensible yucks with the local Texaco reject, trip
through pastures, commune with cow flop, disect a 7-11 chili dog
with engrossed determination, discover the intracacies of pond
ownership, and remember his name.
Soon he meets Monica Lewinsky, dreaming of flounder, as she attempts
to teach him basic conversational skills. If you've seen any of
Mr. Costners' movies, you'll know that she failed. Monica takes
Kevin to meet her family on the walnut farm, and here he is introduced
to Keith Richards as Granny, who likes a little recreational stabbing
and morbid beanie baby hugging while she tracks blood clots all
over the back forty. Dad is played by Thomas Edison, with Martha
Stewart as Mom, plus one cat that we never see.
What follows is two hours of non-sequiters, shilling for bottled
sweat franchises, Johnny Depp being burned at the stake, a cameo
by Trussman, Perdition RFD's Sheriff Orrin Hatch sucking lug nuts,
and more pauses than a Swedish documentary on depressives. This
rural domesticity is badly in need of a visit by 'Twister', and
illustrates the downside of eternal life, courtesy of a 'Crucible'
rip-off that would sober up even Henry Miller.
Anyway, for some reason Monica wishes to recruit Kevin for a quicky
face-lift, in spite of his continuous upchucking on the family
Buick, and using her allure which appears to consist of dysfunctional
adenoids and chronic shopaholism at the Santa Cola (!)
market. They fall in love, lethargically contemplate exorcism,
but settle for watching salmon frolic and jerking with the closing
credits.
And the boys are having fun, too. Mike ('The Great Feeb') fends
off Granny Servo and, along with the newly named Cow T. Robot,
share six packs of wassail as a Preparation H substitute, bringing
them financial security which they will then invest in soul time-shares.