"The Brain That Wouldn't Die"
Those of us who have managed to keep our
heads might have problems sympathizing with the exigencies of
our happy couple, Jeff and Jan (Steven Segal and Kate Winslett)
who, in love-besotted loony desperation, decide that nothing will
ever keep them apart, so they settle for 'parts'.
Our hero Jeff, a direct descendant of those medical practitioners
obsessed with pawing through body cavities, takes his beloved
Jan on a scenic tour of K2 in order to earn that last merit badge,'citation
for breaking every moving violation signed into law'. While he's
engaged in that hallowed crowd -pleaser, 'flying off a cliff and
taking a flaming header into a ditch' Jan loses her head while
Jeff walks away with mussed hair. He also stuffs Jan's head in
his coat pocket, because he's already got the merit badge for
'littering'.
Never one to be discouraged, Jeff takes Jan's noggin to his secret
lab where he spot-welds her to a cookie sheet, hooks her up to
an AT&T expresso machine, then slaps her onto a card table
like a Halloween pumpkin. Jan, the ungrateful bitch, rags on Jeff
mercilessly for this display of devotion, leading to Jeff's having
second thoughts about spending his remaining days with a kvetching
paperweight.
Like any real, red-blooded brown-shirt, and deploring Jan's radical
Weight Watchers' program, Jeff sets out to find her a full body
graft that would compensate him for Jan's running her mouth like
a pneumatic drill. He checks out the local babes at drive-through
art classes, strip joints (cameo by Butt Lady from 'Devil Doll'),
comedy clubs and ATMs. Posing as a roving free-lance plastic surgeon,
Jeff promises his quarry a complete makeover by guillotine.
Meanwhile, back at the broiler pan, Jan snivels at the dithering
Proust-spouting butler (Data), falls in with Jeff's previous experiment
(a monster-mutant -in-a-closet played by Dan Ackroyd) in order
to raise the collective consciousness of the Newly Dead. Eventually
Jeff brings home the corpse of his dreams, and Dan, hugely miffed
at not receiving cable in that closet, kills Data, who proceeds
with the longest death-scene since Rasputin. Then, Jeff is offed
in a woeful body piercing accident, and Jan embarks on a career
as a wig stand.
This movie is scored by soft-porn muzak, with dialogue by conference
call. But, we get numerous tours of the Fresno suburbs and discover
what a trans-gendered Robert Davi would look like. Available from
Rhino in the under-the-counter section of video stores everywhere.
For you Mstie-history buffs, this is Mike Nelson's inaugural episode,
and he wastes no time making an impression with terminal redundancy,
discovering that the SOL is powered by Cheez Whiz, sharing his
past bladder tragedies, and modeling cuts of beef, all of which
inspire Dr. Forrester to fire up the Huskvarna.