LO! It's Crow!
Lost in the bowels of the SOL,
It's dark, and no exit is known.
All is lifeless, and oh, the smell!
Be very afraid - you're alone!
But, wait - far off, someone's here!
To save you from fumes and exhaust.
Oh, yes. Thank goodness. Then comes the jeer:
"Hey, Boyardee-for-Brains, you're lost!!"
Be grateful, happy, and at ease.
But don't get too carried away.
Your savior's not being helpful, he's
Just spacing trash from the cargo bay.
It's a lousy job, but he's known to do it,
'Cause down here he likes to hang out.
Ponder this, too, and come to rue it -
It gives him something to gripe about.
We have just been introduced
To the H. L. Mencken of the skies
Who can hollar when really juiced
Sarcastically, mockingly wise.
'Crow' is the name, 'bot supreme,
The molybdenum critic who's been
Crabbily taking ire to extremes
Like Pooh-Bear's evil twin.
His threshold for boredom is zero,
He'll make something up to stay sane
That makes him look like a hero,
And doesn't involve a whole lot of pain.
Like, whole vats of cappuccino,
Or nanite litter-box patrol,
Or pit bossing a galactic casino,
Or surfing the fearsome wormhole.
Crow's got a certain savoir-faire,
He can be honest, and knows no guile.
Has numerous illusions, *that's* not rare.
Gives stuff a morbid twist, with style.
He's just peevish, we all have quirks,
But he can go from languid to volcanic
When danger goes to 'colossal' from 'lurks',
He'll turn on a dime - time to panic!
With bug-eyed horror he'll shrill
At demonic vans or alien critters,
Or evil pods that suck the will
'Til he gives *everybody* the jitters.
Then, when peaceful moments return
Crow will turn on you, pale, to mock:
"Come on, we got cojones to burn!"
And organize a surreal Walkathok.
It's not worth it, you think? Too bizarre?
Sure, Crow's ambiguity is deep and wide.
But without him you'll not get far,
So, imagine him perched at your side:
High-speed riffing until you have to grin,
But at evading compliments, he's a wiz.
If any effort drags out a 'You win."
You'll know you're the best there is.