"MST3K Does 'Speed'"
(Pearl Forrester, deeply depressed at
not being able to drive Mike and
the 'bots (even more) insane, decides to send them a movie guaranteed
to enlighten them about what could happen to the SOL if they continue
to resist her nefarious wiles.)
Mike, Crow, and Servo: "We've got
movie siiiiiiiiign!!!"
Servo: "I really get nervous when Pearl sends us a blockbuster
movie."
Crow: "We're being softened up for the kill."
Mike: "At least it's not another fish movie."
Servo: "I dunno. Clams go through *my* system pretty fast."
(Opening credits and interminable elevator
shaft scene)
Mike: "Welcome to the coal mines of Greater LA."
Crow: "If this is a Muzak video, I'm gonna hurl."
Servo: "Abandon all hope, ye who scorned the escalator."
(Yuppie scum trapped, fall to certain
death, scream)
Mike: "Gee, I hate getting downsized like that."
Servo: "Attach airbag securely before stepping on the elevator."
Crow: "They can dispose of middle management with a squeegee."
Mike: "When the expression, 'going down' brings a smile to
no one's face."
Crow: "Wait'll they hear that Bill and Ted are going to rescue
them."
(Keanu gets medal, buys a muffin, bus
blows up)
Mike: "Cab drivers everywhere cheer."
Servo: "Obviously there are still a few bugs in the rapid
transit system."
Crow: "Another Buddhist monk expresses his displeasure."
Servo: "Are we watching FOX again?"
(Bus driver gets shot, Sandra Bullock
takes the wheel, screams)
Crow: "She just saw the script for 'Speed 2'".
Mike: "Welcome to the Blues Brothers' tour."
Servo: "Sandra worked part-time for Domino's?"
Crow: "And made the Nascar finals."
(Keanu totals Tuneman's jag)
Mike: "Glenn Plummer's new series, 'Destroy My Stuff'".
Crow: "When emission stickers expire."
(Bullock creams cars on offramp, careens
through the streets)
Mike: "Loretta Lynn in retirement."
Crow: "OJ upgrades the Bronco."
Mike: "I really love those high occupancy lanes, don't you?"
Crow: "Clinton just heard it's two-for-one at Hooter's"
Servo: "When it absolutely, positively has to be there at
the speed of light."
Mike: "Striking UPS men take a field trip."
Crow: "Those refugees are really boogying out of Kosovo,
aren't they?"
Servo: "Hussein tries a more subtle approach to invasion."
(Panicky lady tries to escape, blows
up)
Crow: "I said *exact* change!"
Servo: "She's now a very morbid Garfield sucky toy."
(Jeff Daniels finds bomb, grimly faces
imminent death)
Crow: "They just told him about 'Dumb and Dumber'".
Servo: "Is this all because Hopper's 'Easy Rider' residuals
ran out?"
Mike: "Messala settles the score with Judah ben Hur."
(Keanu saves everyone, hugs Sandra,
grins hugely)
Crow: "He's not gonna sing, is he?"
Mike: "'Nice meeting you Sandra, but Joe Morton and I have
a date for latte.'"
Servo: "What does 'Keanu' mean, anyway?"
Crow: "It means, 'The Matrix is gonna save my career ass.'"
(Bus hits plane, explodes)
Mike: "Wow, those Amtrak commercials are getting brutal."
Crow: "Robbie Knievel takes an unfortunate detour."
Servo: "Oh, here comes Tommy Lee Jones with a volcano."
Mike: "Next time in LA? Leave."
Servo: "Hey guys? I'm really juiced.
Let's sing the 'Speed' theme song!"
(Mike, Servo, and Crow, to the tune of "We're Off to See
the Wizard")
"Oooooooooooh, we're off to catch a blizzard
Of phenomenal box office take.
Because death and disaster sells
When audiences sit and quake.
Forget a plot, we don't need one
'Cuz smashing cars is half the fun.
Distributors will pay and pay and pay and paaaaaaaay!
And the director's got his resume!
(La la la la la la la)
Oooooooooooh, that crackly lovely whizz heard
Is money flying into the bank!"
Mike: "Can we watch 'Driving Miss Daisy' now?"
(Stinger) "Shoot the hostage"
(Fomp)