MST3K Does 'Planet of the Apes'!
Shelly the Nanite was having a bad week.
She worked so hard, around the clock, to direct her companions
in maintaining the Satellite of Love, and placing themselves,
happily, at the beck and call of its human and robotic inhabitants.
And even when these friendly passengers exhibited woeful stupidity,
such as forgetting to sign and notarize the fourteen triplicate
forms necessary for ship repairs, Shelly would shrug it off in
light-hearted disregard, and issue an internal memo, knowing that
Mike, Servo, and Crow had other things on their minds, such as
making hamdinger sausage, playing 'pin the fuel rod on the reactor
core',
discussing the validity of existential toaster strudel iconography,
sending spam to the Mir, and turning sick-bay into a theme park.
But lately there had been a strange undercurrent, an intangible
feeling of ennui that was threatening to tip over into despondent
incaution, and Shelly could only conclude that years of cinematic
dreck were finally taking their toll on the boys' higher cerebral
functions. This situation could not be allowed to continue unabated,
of course, as lunacy in vacuum had some unpleasant consequences.
She then determined to prevent whatever might endanger the integrity
of this orbiting home she had come to love (considering the alternative
was returning to her former occupation as a cosmetologist on the
planet 'Thistleface'), and together with Brain Guy, she conspired
to attain a half-way decent movie for the SOL, just to cheer them
up and secure her career as an intergalactic Nanite poobah.
Let us join our friends now and see what happens. As we stroll
through the ship, we see Mike engrossed in the latest reissue
of e e cummings, Servo air-brushing the bulkheads with day-glo
anti-Andromedan graffiti, and Crow torching holes in the
corners of solar panels, intent on enjoying the largest pool table
of all time.
Suddenly Shelly, bulked up after weeks of gorging on protons,
takes a deep breath, leaps into the air, and lands smack!, right
in the middle of the movie button. Sirens screech, lights flash,
and tunnel doors fling themselves open!
Mike, Servo and Crow: "We've got
movie
siiiiiiiiign!!"
(Theater shot)
Mike: "Did I miss something? Wasn't
Pearl supposed to chortle or something?"
Crow: "Oh, swell. Now we get stealth
movies."
Servo: "I forgot my chili/cheese popcorn!"
(Opening, Charlton Heston sits in captain's
chair of spacecraft, talking into recorder)
Servo: "It's Andrew Jackson!"
Crow: "He's driving a Winnebago?"
Mike: "Why does he keep his girlfriend in a
crisper?"
Servo: "Why is he dressed in white-out?"
(Credits and title)
Mike: "Planet of the Apes? Wait
a minute. I
liked that movie."
Crow: "C'mon Mike, it's a Napa Valley
documentary, 'Planet of the Grapes'".
Servo: "We're not gonna sit through two hours
of screaming lemurs, are we?"
Mike: "This looks like the real thing, guys. I
recognize the opening sequence, filmed by a
retinitis victim."
(Charlton Heston: "Time is boundless.
It
squashes a man's ego.")
Mike: "You might wanna take that
to heart,
Chuck."
Servo: "Does this mean I can keep that rental
tape?"
Crow: "The Manifesto of Sylvia Plath."
(Ship crashes, sinks)
Mike: "Whoa! Looks like the New
Eve
reverted to a rib!"
Crow: "What? They hit an iceberg?"
Servo: "It's 4000 AD. Carpe
millennium!"
(Astronauts paddle to land in an inflatable
dingy)
Mike: "Welcome to beautiful downtown
Bagdad."
Crow: "They're gonna meet up with Gilligan."
Servo: "Can I get a jet-ski?"
(Charlton Heston, laughing: "Your
loved
ones have been dead for twenty centuries,
you are 231 years old. Prepare to die!")
Servo: "This guy's got 120 teeth!"
Crow: "Time to unpack the golden calf."
Mike: "Does Social Security know about this?"
(Much hiking through desert, mountains,
canyons)
Crow: "What? They're looking for
the
*twenty* commandments?"
Mike: "Must be the planet 'Crabgrass.'"
Servo: "Why are they wearing Yugo
gas tanks?"
(Astronauts are trailed by elusive creatures)
Mike: "Oh, look. Squeegee men."
(Find creepy fur-covered scarecrows)
Crow: "That'll teach 'em to overdo
the
desert aerobics."
Servo: "Burma Shave of the future."
(At last they come across water, a big
lake, Eden-like surroundings, get naked,
and go swimming)
Crow: "Do we really need to gawk
at
astronaut butt cheeks?"
Servo: "Maybe they're diving for pearls."
Mike: "One step for man, a giant leap for
Baywatch."
Crow: "Whose stealing their clothes?
Madonna?"
Mike: "Ah, those darn fraternity pranks of
the future."
Servo: "Hope they packed sunblock or its
gonna look like they're coming into estrus."
(Astronauts find clump of sub-humans
chowing down on fresh produce. Charlton
Heston: "If this is the best they've got,
we'll be running this planet in no time.")
Mike: "....and visions of sugarplums
and
imperialism dance through his head."
Servo: "It appears Wonderbras of the future
are made out of bamboo."
Crow: "Yeah, he's thinking about the
promised gland, all right."
Mike: "'Will Penny Finds a Job.'"
Servo: "It's Woodstock!"
(Meanwhile, back at Castle Forrester,
Brain
Guy is becoming annoyed with Bobo's
insistent pleas for extra ointment, and blinks
him up to the SOL, just as on screen, apes
attack the humans)
Mike: "Uh oh. Here comes the Park
Service."
Servo: "It's Abbie Hoffman!"
Crow: "And Jerry Garcia!"
Bobo: "Dad!"
Mike: "Bobo!"
Servo: "He brought gummy bears!"
Crow: "I'd rather chew on this armrest."
Bobo: "And Uncle Blownose!"
Crow: "Welcome to 'Furriest Home Videos.'"
Mike: "Gee, Bo, the apes are being a little hard
on the humans."
Bobo: "Well, Cousin Knucklebrow always was a
little postal....."
Servo: "You'd think the president of the NRA
would have stashed a few missles in that
loincloth."
(The humans are tied up and transported
to
Ape Central)
Mike: "Nice to know someone discovered
the wheel."
Crow: "This town was designed by John XXIII!"
Servo: "Or a termite."
Bobo: "That's a Frank Lloyd Rhesus!"
Mike: "Dr. Zira's experimenting on Bright
Eyes!"
Crow: "Where's PETA when you need em?"
(Cornelius arrives, looks disgusted
with
Bright Eyes)
Mike: "Wow, this guy could care
less if
Lassie comes home."
Servo: "Why are they wearing floor mats?"
Bobo: "Those were designed by Oscar de
Gorilla!"
Crow: "I've got this sudden urge to groom
something....."
Bobo: "See? See? In the future, humans
will smell bad and look worse!"
Mike: "It's not like you're passing out the
Irish Spring, Bo."
(Dr. Zaius arrives and says, "You're
trying
to prove that man can be domesticated!")
Mike: "Patricia Ireland speaks
out."
Bobo: (sniffs) "Futile.....futile...."
Crow: "Did this guy just bathe in Clairol?"
Bobo: " He's an Orangutan! The epitome of
evolution!"
Servo: "Epitomes look just like June Allyson?"
Mike: "So the Depends are making him walk
funny?"
Bobo: "He's newly bipedal!"
Crow: "Now, there's an endorsement for
high public office."
(Chuck escapes, runs through town, is
caught: "Get your stinking paws off me,
you damned dirty ape!")
Bobo: "....so rude...."
Mike: "I gotta admit, it beats 'I have but one
life to give for my country.'"
Servo: "It's got a nice ring to it. Sorta rolls
off the tongue."
Crow: "So even bemused apes can goggle and
drool?"
Bobo: "Well, we were surprised, after all.
Just like if your schnauzer started talking to
you. He could have been a little more gracious
though. You know, he was fed, sheltered,
bred...."
Mike: "And almost gelded."
Bobo: "For safety purposes!"
Servo: "Maybe he *likes* being trussed up
like a Christmas ham. Why just last night
I saw Mike--"
Mike: "That was research!"
Crow: "I'm gonna go safely research a
mallet to the cranium."
(Chuck is dragged before Ape Court.
Cornelius: "Behold the missing link!")
Mike: "...between Schwartzeneggar
and
soup."
Servo: "There goes Cornelius' government
grant."
Crow: "All Chuck needs now is the jawbone
of an ass."
Servo: "Didn't he do that already?"
Mike: "That was Victor Mature."
Crow: "That was an ass with a jawbone."
Bobo: "Oh, look! The Sentient Olympics!"
(Chuck: "This whole thing is insane!
What
have I done?" Zaius: "You are a walking
pestilence!")
Mike: "The Simian Torquemada."
Crow: "It's nice to see Bob Dole keeping
busy."
Bobo: "We won, by the way."
Servo: "Maybe he's cranky that Samantha
threw him out."
Mike: "And Rosemary didn't even come to
his funeral."
Crow: "Would an internal combustion
engine be too much to ask?"
(Everyone journeys to Cornelius'
archeological dig on the beach, looks
at artifacts, and 'malformed' skulls)
Servo: "Hey! Michael Jackson's
place!"
Crow: "Site of the last Tailhook
convention."
Mike: "So, civilization ended at Malibu?"
Servo: "Guys? I'm starting to crave
bananas."
Bobo: "The Forbidden Zone was deadly,
according to the ancient scrolls, you
know."
Crow: "Right after the Dudley Moore's
house party."
(Zaius: "I didn't realize man could
be
monogamous.")
Mike, Crow, Servo, and Bobo giggle.
(Zaius: "Beware the harbinger of man!")
Mike: "But the humdinger of woman
is
OH KAY."
(Chuck and Nova head out after holding
off the simian troops)
Bobo: "We learned that from Pro-
Wrestling hieroglyphics."
Crow: "Where did you get the repeating
rifles? Ape Mart?"
Bobo: "Oh, those were our heroes! Ah,
the good old days...."
Crow: "...of hairy medeival hijinks."
(Zira: "What will he find?"
Zaius: "His
destiny.")
Mike: "I could sure be destined
for a Big
Mac about now...."
Servo: "Hey look! The Statue of
Liberty!"
Crow: "Oh, sure. It survives asteroids,
alien invasions, more asteroids, lizards,
A bombs...."
Mike: "...Gerard Depardieu..."
Bobo: "An icon to the hubis of man."
Servo: "Better than Trump Tower."
(Chuck: "You maniacs! You blew
it up! Damn
you all to hell!")
Crow: "Whose he talking to?"
Mike: "Us, I think."
Bobo: "....arrogance, stupidity...."
Servo: "Maybe it was just bad burritos."
(Closing credits)
Bobo: "Ah, it's always nice to
journey
though history, get in touch with one's
roots."
Crow: "....mount astronauts as trophy
kills...."
Servo: "Got any gummy bears left?"
Mike: "Ya know, Bo, I can't really say that
'civilization' has improved all that much."
Crow: "Yeah. And look at the canines
on that chimp."
Bobo: "We're vegetarians!"
Mike: "Yeah, well, listen guys, I'm gonna
go check out that case of Thackeray books
I ordered from Amazon."
Crow: "Mike? Where's those last solar
panels? The one's we got are looking a
little tacky and losing power. I need
to call my mom."
Bobo: "I should be getting back to the
castle. Brain Guy gets so lonely without
me."
Servo: "You think I oughta paint the ship
a nice aqua? With red pin stripes? Or a
cheery yellow with flower decals? Or
kittens! Maybe a warm stucco....."
(Quiet returns as the throughful audience
wanders out, having many important
things to do)
And Shelly is happy.