Mystery Science Theater Does 'Jaws'

While committing her memoirs to audio tape, Pearl Forrester, in a nostalgic mood, is suddenly forced to reflect on her failure to bring Mike Nelson to his knees in gibbering fear. With lingering distaste, Pearl has to admit that she has not been relentless enough, or perhaps bold enough, and far too gentle with her prey for far too long. Inspired, Pearl dances with glee (scaring Bobo into premature male-pattern baldness), and envisions the perfect solution; she will send the SOL a movie that illustrates what will *really* happen to Mike if he refuses to relent.

Mike, Crow, Servo: "We got movie siiiiign!!!"

(Credits roll: "Do doo. Do doo. Do do doo. Dodododododododododododdododododo..)
Crow: "Why do I have this urge to smash a cello?"
Servo: "We're being dragged through kelp!"
Mike: "Someone should tell Spielberg that you ski on *top* of the water."
Servo: "I'm breaking out in barnacles!"
Crow: "Ya know, I get real nervous when Pearl sends us a *good* movie."
Mike: "Yeah, we're being softened up for something."
Servo: "Bait?"

(Jaws chews up Chrissy Watkins)
Mike: "She's spending her summer at crash-test dummy school."
Servo: "Esther Williams never had this problem."
Mike: "Always wait thirty minutes after guzzling a jug of schnapps."
Crow: "You sure this isn't FOX?"

(Martin Brody gets an ominous phone call)
Servo: "Look, it's Larry King!"
Mike: "The Edmund Fitzgerald didn't make port."
Crow: "It's Olivier calling about his dental appointment."
(Brody: "Do they just wash up or what?")
Mike: "He just got the news that 'Seaquest' was cancelled."

(Brody: "We gotta close the beaches!")
Crow: "Yeah, let's just padlock the North Atlantic."
Servo: "And get all that sand outta here while you're at it."

(Enter The Mayor: "Amity is a summer town. We need those summer dollars. You yell 'barracuda', people say 'huh, what?' You yell 'shark', and we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.")
Mike: "Thank you, Milton Friedman."
Crow: "Why doesn't he just *tax* shark attacks, like tobacco?"
Servo: "So far, he's put all those dollars into loud suits."
Mike: "Now we know why Amity elected Robert DeNiro."

(Little Alex Kintner gets chewed up)
Mike: "Always investigate your day-care center beforehand."
Crow: "Maybe he hit an iceberg."
Servo: "Next time, *share* your air-mattress, Alex."

(Town meeting, enter Quint)
Servo: "It's Barbara Stanwyck!"
(Quint: "I'll find him, I'll catch 'im, and I'll kill 'im.")
Mike: "Harrison Ford pursues the one-finned shark."
Crow: "Ex-wives everywhere speak out."
Servo: "Boy, Bill Gates is getting really unpopular."
Mike: "Now we see the *real* Dana Scully."

(Brody looks through a book on shark attack victims)
Mike: "Radical Liposuction for Dummies."
Servo: "Torquemada put out a coffee-table book?"
Crow: "It's nice to see Freddy Krueger keeping busy."
Mike: "Human beings, the *other* white meat."

(Enter Matt Hooper)
Crow: "It's Camilla Parker Bowles!"
(Hooper examines a dishpan full of Chrissy's remains.)
Mike: "Calista Flockhart at home."
Servo: "Flotsam of the Damned."
(Hooper: "Well, *this* was no boating accident!")
Servo: "It was a tragic can-opener accident."
Mike: "She might want to get the pre-cut bagels next time."
Crow: "Always wear a seat-belt when swimming with sharks."

(Hooper performs an autopsy on shark)
Crow: "Sharks have a donor card?"
Mike: "Outtakes from 'Chicago Hope'".
Servo: "Sushi for everyone!"

(Brody and Hooper cruise the harbor, find geezer's severed head bobbing in the water)
Servo: "Welcome to Walmart!"
Mike: "When chumming gets serious...."
(Hooper: "It's an eating machine. All it does is swim, eat, and make little sharks.")
Mike: "A graduate of Harvard Law."
Crow: "Don Corleone should put them on the payroll."
Servo: "Wish I could get a job like that."

(Tourists arrive, swim in the water, panic, scream, and run out of the water)
Crow: "Where did they film this thing? Normandy?"
Mike: "There's an Evian shortage in Malibu."
Servo: "Can I get a jet-ski?"
Crow: "'Mitchell' peed in the ocean."

(Detached leg falls through the water)
Servo: "When Spielberg says 'break a leg', he means it."
Crow: "I wonder who Krychek pissed-off *this* time...."

(Interior of Quint's house, shark mandibles everywhere)
Mike: "The summer home of the Addams' Family."
Servo: "He seems to have a fetish for very morbid smiley faces."
Crow: "Yeah, watch where you sit."

(Quint: "I trick 'em to the surface and then jab at them.")
Mike: "Quint's School of Acupuncture and Body Piercing."
Servo: "He came in last at the semi-annual apple-bobbing finals."

(Brody chums, Jaws leaps at him: "You're gonna need a bigger boat.")
Servo: "The USS Nimitz!"
Crow: "And get those guns from Navarone while you're at it, ok?"
Mike: "And Brody's gonna need a clean pair of pants."
Servo: "Oh, look. Hooper's requesting a transfer to Gilligan's."

(Jaws swims around the boat. Hooper: "That's a twenty-footer." Quint: "Twenty-five, all three tons of him.")
Mike: "That's what happens when sardines take Viagra."
Servo: "Schwartzenegger's swimming the channel?"
Crow: "C'mon, this was the first movie to break a hundred mill. They're talking about Spielberg's wallet."

(Quint, Brody, Hooper sing silly ballads, male bond, compare deformities and scars)
Mike: "I got this when attacked by a band of quilters."
Crow: "And this one from when Jaws and I broke up."
Servo: "It was sure fun being an extra in 'Braveheart.'"

(Quint: "A shark's got black eyes, like a doll's eyes, lifeless eyes. He doesn't even seem to be livin'.")
Servo: "It's Christopher Walken Day!"
Crow: "Welcome to the DMV. Next!"
Mike: "Someone got into the Norman Mailer again."

(Jaws pounds on the side of the boat)
Servo: "Jaws is a Jerhovah's Witness?"
Mike: "Move aside. Red October, comin' through."

(Jaws drags the boat backwards)
Mike: "He thinks it's valet parking."
Crow: "When Kathie Lee takes the helm..."
Mike: "Meanwhile, back at the Exxon Valdez...."
Servo: "Taxi!"

(Hooper is lowered into the shark cage)
Mike: "A really *unfortunate* close encounter..."
Servo: "When ichthyologists go bad...."
Crow: "Did the governor call?"
Servo: "He's got 'Lunch!' stamped on his forehead."
Crow: "Yeah, Quint sure knows what to do with smart-ass college kids."
Mike: "But did he have to roll him around in pork chops first?"
Servo: "Now he's gonna be the 'Good-bye *Guy*.'"

(Quint slides into Jaws' biting maw)
Servo: "Is Jaws gonna want fries with that?"
Mike: "Well, Mr. Quint, your prostate seems to be just fine. Thanks for stopping by."
Crow: "An impromtu bris!"
Mike: "He's only half the man he used to be."
Crow: "I feel a Zantac commercial coming on."
Servo: "This audit will be over soon, Mr. Quint."
Mike: "He looks a little more 'buckled' than 'swashed' about now."

(Jaws breaks through the port side, chewing Quint guts)
Servo: "Oh, my goodness. I gotta go floss."
Crow: "Use Polident or else!"
Mike: "Hi! I'm Ed McMahon."
Servo: "Gee, Charlie the Tuna's really stoked."
Crow: "Hocksley searches for Rose."
Mike: "He's a *loan* shark."

(Jaws races towards Brody. Brody takes aim: "Smile, you son of a b-" *explosion*)
Crow: "Whoa! It's Moby Ick!"
Servo: "I'm gonna pass on the strawberry jello tonight, guys."
Mike: "Jacques Cousteau goes postal."
Crow: "I see Gary Busey got his motorcycle back."

Servo: "Well guys, I'm really (all that) jazzed, yep. Let's sing the 'Jaws' theme song!"
(Mike, Crow, and Servo, to the tune of 'My Heart Will Go On' from 'Titanic')

'Every night I touch you, you sieze me, lunge at me,
Bleeding, in the ocean, I swimmmmmm.
As you disembowel me, and chomp me, then shred me,
There goes my last working limmmmmmb.
Spleen, lung, it's only begun
And I know that my parts will be goooooooone.'

Mike: "Oh look. Pearl's pounding Brain Guy with a sturgeon."
Servo: "I know! Let's send her 'The Little Mermaid!'"

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