Mystery Science Theater does 'Brimstone'
Pearl Forrester has lost patience, and becomes hugely frustrated with her inability to drive Mike and the 'bots over the edge and into insanity. In desperation, she changes tack and decides to, instead, try and convent them to her way of thinking. Yes, that's right folks, Pearl wants to recruit the boys into her nefarious galactic schemes by bringing them over to the Dark Side. So, she sends them an episode of 'Brimstone', guaranteed to change their minds by letting them know who's *really* the boss.
(Up on the SOL, the atmosphere turns oppressive,
sulphurous, and the temperature jumps to 100 degrees)
Mike: "We've got Moloch siiiiign!"
(On screen, opening credits for 'Brimstone')
Crow: "A movie about embarrassing personal afflictions?"
Servo: "No, that's 'Gallstone'."
(Zeke walks through empty, depressing
streets)
Mike: "Welcome to Mr. Satan's Neighborhood."
(Scenes of damned souls getting offed;
jumping, screaming, flaming)
Crow: "It's Disco Inferno!"
Mike: "They've Fallen and they can't get up."
(Enter The Devil)
Crow: "David Bowie is the Prince of Darkness?"
Servo: "He looks a little consumptive."
Crow: "It's all that second-hand smoke in Hell."
Mike: "He should work out more."
Crow: "Yeah, dog-paddling the River Styx."
Servo: "If I sell my soul, can I get a jet-ski?"
(The Devil: "They think they'll beat
The Devil. Nobody beats me - ")
Mike: " - to the parking lot."
(Zeke: "Every morning I wake up with
$36.27 - ")
Servo: " - in frogs and locusts."
Mike: "Forget Vegas."
(Father Horn: "Humanity is doomed
and cursed with - ")
Servo: " - gas."
Mike: "It depends on what the definition of 'is' is."
Crow: "He must be a riot on Bingo Night."
Servo: "Can I sacrifice Leonardo di Caprio to ba'al?"
(Zeke goes to a restaurant, orders the
entire menu)
Crow: "He's not gonna barf up pea soup, is he?"
(Zeke makes love to Detective Ash)
Mike: "Gee, I sure hope he packed the asbestos condoms."
(Detective Ash: "I saw my name over
your heart - ")
Crow: " - right next to 'Mom'."
Servo: "This guy's stamped with expiration dates!"
Mike: "He was autographed by the entire cast of 'Thirty-something'."
Crow: "The sequel to 'Touched by an Angel' - 'Branded by
a Demon'."
(Zeke shoots bad guy, the soul erupts
violently from its eyes)
Servo: "Would that work on my earwax problem?"
Mike: "A radical but effective cure for glacoma."
(Closing scene, The Devil says, "It's
not Hell you should be scared of - ")
Mike: " - it's an audit."
Crow: "Or the ratings."
Servo: "Hey, let's sing the 'Brimstone' theme song!"
(Mike, Servo, and Crow, to the tune of
'Addicted to Love')
"You're down (stomp stomp), and feel squeezed (twirl twirl)
By that ogre (clap clap), Mephistopheles (hoot hoot).
You're lost (spin spin), in no condition (tap tap)
To fight (snap snap) coming perdition (weep weep).
You're life is distracted, and you know you will pay,
But suck it in, buddy, and jump into the fray!
Might as well face it, you're addicted to life!
Even with the evil, lower-back pain, and strife!
Get a grip pronto and be happy and kind!
Tell Beelzebub to pucker up and kiss your behiiiiind!"
Mike: "Hey look. Pearl is having
a frothing fit."
Crow: "There *is* a God!!"