PORCH PALS
Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far too
screwy for us to comprehend, there existed a plump and incandescent
planet of legendary proportions, known for its rollicking good
fun, as it was inhabited by beaming and globular beings of the
botanic persuasion. We, of course, would recognize the natives
as 'pumpkins', but on their home planet, where they rule, eons
of evolution freed from all known predators and an oppressive
atmosphere, has allowed them the freedom of limitless self-expression
and implanted in them a remarkable self-esteem of substantial
vigor. It might do well for creatures of all Phyla to contemplate
their philosophy and thereby profit from it. Their gregariousness
is legendary, and honored ambassadors representing innumerable
systems of awesome dignity travel from far and wide in order to
receive vegetative wisdom including, but not limited to, instructions
for lightening up and boogying down. The more esoteric precepts
are held in secret, not for human ears, until the time should
come when we are more culturally advanced and initiated into its
mysteries.
As we might imagine, such exuberance cannot be confined for long,
and our pumpkin friends have nurtured a well deserved reputation
for footloose proclivities, sightseeing wherever they might be
welcomed and exhibiting an affection for schmoozing with creatures
representative of the most weird the galaxy has to offer. Millennia
ago, seeking strange new worlds, our pumpkin friends were booked
for a Gourd Trek to planet Earth, guaranteed to offer not just
delightful surprises, but also unique challenges for this rollicking
and rambling species. You see, their home world is clothed in
a riot of reddish and yellow hues, flashing and sparkling heavens,
and a firmament bathed in perpetual neon glow. In this context,
of course, a pumpkinish aspect would be considered the height
of urbane and noble solemnity, but on our planet, saturated with
soothing blue-green tones, they would stand out like the proverbial
festering digit.
The pumpkins, not wanting to cause undue alarm in more primitive
species, had decided to disguise themselves as members of the
already ubiquitous immobile terrestrial flora, and enjoy their
sojourn as mere spectators, participating in Earthly events only
when suspicions would not be aroused. Now, we might credibly wonder
why such an adventurous species would restrain themselves in such
a manner for protracted periods, and can only surmise that they
considered it a small price to pay in return for fertile soil
and wide open spaces, where the inhabitants could be easily persuaded
to feed, water, and weed, and lavish them with care, as we might
giddily harbor visions of extended pampering in exotic and opulent
resorts.
Over time, the pumpkins grew to consider Earth a desireable destination
spot for sabbaticals involving metaphysical discussions, loafing
meditations, and the refined rejuvenation of necessary energies.
Fortuitously, this annual voyage happened to coincide with an
Earthly festival known as 'Halloween', and as our intergalactic
visitors like nothing better than a good time, they participate
in the celebrations with alacrity and every intention of graciously
adding to the anticipated hilarity. Now, we all know by now that
this benevolence has been manifested in allowing themselves to
be harvested, transported, bathed and polished to a resplendent
sheen, with formal and elaborate display at every retail center
across the land, a homage to be envied by any sentient being in
the known universe.
But it doesn't end there, oh no - further tribute is lavished
upon them. Earthlings, inspired to a creative frenzy, take our
pumpkin guests lovingly into their own homes where, after proper
oohing and ahhing reverence, commence to sculpt and fashion our
friends into the most marvelous designs, hewing them into monuments
of appropriate holiday ornamentation, each trying to out-do the
other in gleeful exhibition of these commemorative performances
to be enjoyed and reflected upon for many days. Now, oh dear,
you might well conclude, this vegetal evisceration must cause
regrettable discomfort, to say nothing of rendering mortal wounds
on our innocuous friends. But here, happily, you would be mistaken
due to one unrevealed fact - this bodily carving is an essential
function in their life cycle, and actually facilitates in reproduction
and proliferation! Let us observe subsequent events, with objective
and logical consideration, where all will become clear.
After a nominal passage of time, while our pumpkin boarders have
been the recipients of deserved veneration, they have been furtively
accumulating a sufficient amount of indigenous biological material
known to us as 'mold'. Slowly, almost imperceptively, they begin
to slather themselves from head to toe in this impermeable armor,
preparing for the next stage of existence, while we are left,
unfortunately, mourning their coming departure due to a substantial
stench and anticipated oozing over every available surface. Our
lament, howver, is their rapture, as they journey expeditiously
to landfills and sewage treatment plants across the land, where
they hibernate and ripen once again into former vitality.
With clever foresight, and unbeknownst to human perception, our
pumpkin pals have germinated and sprouted innumerable spores,
capable of a torpid existence as camoflage for their true character.
They appear to us, cunningly, as ordinary and mundane, if somewhat
colorful, popcorn kernals. Once again we take them into our homes,
and with the proper application of heat and oil, they are jettisoned
upward, where they might capture and store prodigious amounts
of our solar currents and launch themselves on their homeward
jaunt. Admittedly, many do not reach the upper atmosphere, and
are destined to repeat the cycle here on earth. But, enough of
them posess the capability to fashion oblique trajectories, maintain
the necessary velocity to return home, and are left with pleasant
memories, hauling sacks of souvenirs.
Upon arrival, they spend many months regaling their friends and
acquaintances with tales of incomparable Earthling hospitality.
In fact, so profuse is their praise that, even as we speak, residents
of the Rutabaga Galaxy are packing their bags.