The Mystery Science of Emergency Phantom Law, Part 3
"...........but I don't wanna go
to Disneyworld!" wailed a disoriented Servo in delirium,
"Michael Eisner thinks I'm Buzz Lightyear and smothers me
in bubble-wrap!............."
"Servo!" declared Crow, overjoyed that his friend was
not destined to become wrecking-yard chum, "Is your life
flashing before your eyes?"
"No," replied Servo, "Charlie Sheen's. Go away."
"Oh look," said Romano, followed into the exam room
by Mark Greene doing the stations of the cross, "The little
gadget is coming around."
"It's Rocky and Bullwinkle!" observed Servo.
"Here's your chamomile and blankie, Mr. Servo," said
Carol Hathaway.
"And Jaye Davidson!" continued Servo.
"I didn't let them spay or neuter you, Tom," Crow assured
him, "Even when they tortured me with Dr. Morgenstern relating
his Hot Wheels adventures."
"Am I on drugs?" asked Servo.
"Nope! No way," yelped Carter, quickly hiding his hands
behind his back.
"Mike! Mike!" cried Servo, "I'm having lime jello
flashbacks!"
"We sent him to boil some water," said Romano.
"Your chauffeur was hijacked by maintenance to help squeegee
out the gastrointestinal lounge, the lucky guy," said Mark
Greene as he was driven through the floor by a global-killer asteroid
and emerged once again dripping with fragments of Bruce Willis.
"What can I get you, Tom?" asked Crow, "A heart?
A brain? Ruby slippers?"
"Wow," thought Servo, "They must have one heck
of a gift shop."
"You'll be happy to know, Mr. Servo," said Greene, removing
piranha from his scrubs with a lint brush, "That we've checked
your oil, replaced the lugs, lubed the fuel rods and auto-rotated
your butt."
"You're like fresh outta the box, Tom!" declared Crow
gleefully.
"Also, we got your test results back," Romano offered,
"And even though you have the basal metabolism of Chernobyl,
the cranial blister appears to be benign. Downside, you've been
declared a biohazard, so we removed your adenoids."
"Kevin will be so thrilled," mused Servo, "And
I really appreciate this Snap-On Nova fender transplant."
"Ok," said Romano to Hathaway's breasts, "Give
the widget a tetanus and move him out before we turn into an Oreck
habitat."
But before the emergency room crew could get on with their lives,
such as Hathaway scheduling a tubal ligation, Romano continuing
his resuscitation of Lucy Knight's corpse with drill press, Mark
Greene stepping in front of an Amtrak locomotive, and John Carter
swilling handy vats of formaldehyde, the hospital was rocked to
its foundation by a massive sonic blast, followed by the one remaining
ceiling tile falling and knocking Kerry unconscious as she inventoried
coffee grounds in the staff cafeteria.
"Let it go, Clooney!" yelled Romano towards the roof,
"'Batman' is history!"
Suddenly, the elevator doors parted and out strode a heroic contingent
of 'Braveheart' refugees.
"Greetings, humans," said Qui-Gon Jinn, a little rattled
from taking a header through the building's HUAC system.
"It's Brooke Shields!" said Servo.
"And this is my apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi," Qui continued.
"A '90210' escapee!" said Crow.
"Look, Master," sneered Obi-Wan, "Droids! A filthy
life form!"
"Maybe he's Amish," wondered Servo.
"Calm yourself, young Obi," confided Qui-Gon, "The
John William's muzak will wear off shortly."
"Ello, boyos!" bleated Jar Jar.
"A Red Lobster promotional!" said Servo.
"We have come to aid the aboriginal inhabitants in their
valiant battle against the Dark Side," stated Qui.
"Sorry," said Romano, "Medicare's a given. And
tell Flipper there to quit leaking brine all over the crash carts."
"Xanax?" asked Carol Hathaway, watching Obi-Wan cartwheel
around the admitting desk, and smashing the MRI to pieces after
a fluid dismount off the vending machines for which the nurses
gave him a 9.5.
"We are without injury, but thank you," said Qui graciously
bowing and accidentally slicing Greene in half with a light saber,
"We must begin our task of ridding the galaxy of vile contagion
which, at this moment, appears to be pursuing the crimson device."
"The guys down in Comparative Anatomy says he's a beer cooler,"
said Carter, "But darned if I can find the lid."
"Deal carefully with the balding creatures, Master,"
whispered Obi-Wan, "They have a general named 'Anesthesia'
and a major called 'Coronary'."
"Perhaps," ruminated Qui, as '60 Minutes' interviewed
the FOX News crew that was taping 'Survivor' survivors waiting
in chairs, represented by Tom Hanks who was introducing his tennis
ball to Geraldo, "These cloddish beings also flee the imperial
wrath. Amuse yourself with the Playstation in Pediatrics, Obi,
while I surveil their movements."
"Get Psyche down here," said Romano to Hathaway, "And
see if Mr. Limpet will flush down the john."
"Well, Holiness," said Mark Greene, as he was undergoing
a frontal lobotomy by Hannibal Lector, "I'm not sure about
our imminent peril, but if you're passing out exorcisms, I'll
volunteer."
"Other exigencies trouble me at the moment, and I pass on
your invitation with keenest regret," said Qui, who then
turned to Romano, "Please bring me a capucchino, C3PO."
"Actually, Spock," replied Romano, "I was thinking
of performing a renal extraction through your nostrils."
"Gonna be messy. Me no watchin'," said Jar Jar, who
noticed that the stacked IV bags resembled his embryonic relatives.
But before this meeting of turf-holders could escalate into unpleasant
proportions, to which Kerry would respond by running her fingernails
across the blackboard, a gritty, middle-aged gentleman of fearless
demeanor stomped into the emergency room, gaining the focus of
attention and shorting out Greene's pacemaker.
"Ok: Everybody against the wall and empty your pockets!"
commanded Lennie Brisco.
To be continued............