The Mystery Science of Emergency Phantom Law, Part 2
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far (but not
far enough) away, huddled around the outskirts of a major metropolitan
globular cluster, two men sit at a local outdoor war-zone, conversing
with the solemnity of engravings and patiently forbearing the
vigorous holograms percolating through the air like sleet and
with all the distinction (and merchandising value) of Roger Rabbit.
"Your intentions were laudable, "said Qui-Gon Jinn above
the noise, "But it was perhaps ill-advised to celebrate the
Queen's birthday by sending her coupons to Supercuts."
"Master," replied a chastened Obi-Wan Kenobi, "I
feel a strange confluence of contradictory reflexes. I understand
that the fragile threads of alliance must be strengthened, but
is it really necessary that I marry a yak?"
"We must hark to the living Force, Obi," continued Qui
implacably, applying his sword to a stack of scratch-off lottery
tickets, "Our innate power and expertise compels us to distill
the essence of all fertile grounds, wherever they might be found."
"I understand, Master," acknowledged Obi-Wan, wiping
the grime from his tunic, "But why, if we indulge in interstellar
travel with ease, have we not yet invented synthetic fibers?"
Qui-Gon Jinn ruminated on his apprentice's observation until entropy
reached equilibrium, resulting in the heat-death of the universe,
and replied, "We will investigate your query at a more opportune
time, young friend. Now, we must seize control of the momentum
of victory against........against.........."
"More herb brownies, Master?" offered Obi helpfully
As our two new friends were preparing to nod off amidst assault
of non-stop commercials pouring out of countless cranked-up THX
speakers installed in every home by the newly appointed owner
of a fast-food franchise, Jabba 'Pizza' The Hutt, a small shuttle
craft descended slowly and quietly from the sky, unfortunately
landing on an inattentive Obi-Wan, causing him to spend the rest
of his life walking around slightly stooped, which finally convinced
him to fork over for a time share out in cave-crawler country
to which he could flee whenever his bone-head master came up with
yet another sorry scheme for saving a galaxy that seemed wholly
immune from forces for both good or ill in either assisting or
preventing it from marching on its own merry way.
As the ramp of the unfamiliar shuttle craft opened and descended,
an overpowering stench of rotted seaweed alerted Qui and Obi to
an assault of another kind, and they rose in a flash to depart
quickly and undetected. Alas, they failed.
"Meesa Kwee! Meesa B!" hollered Jar Jar Binks, as he
loped over to his comrades, as if strip-mining for mud, "Comma
save da galaxy now! Bigga bad tings they'sa goin' on!"
"Jar," said and unhappy Qui, wiping jellyfish from his
shoulders and beginning to mildew, "How did you find us and
where did you get that ridiculous ship?"
"Eye-za hitchin' a ride!" Jar Jar trumpeted gleefully,
"Thissa nice man, he be bringin' me."
And so it appeared Jar Jar was correct, as a hardy and handsome,
albeit aging and rotund gentleman emerged from the strange craft
and advanced upon the group with innate good humor and beaming
bonhomie.
"Is this a con?" asked the stranger.
"I'll have you know," said an offended Qui icily, "That
I won young Obi in that poker game fare and square."
"No, no!" laughed the man, holding out his hand and
making introductions, "I mean, is this a *convention*? I
am Captain James Tiberius Kirk, and your flapping buddy here said
you had a butt-load of glossies that needed signing. Or, maybe
a great deal on some Gore-tex?"
"You have been misinformed, whoever you are," glared
Qui, "And have disturbed our locus and vector of peace and
harmony of which prevents us from sinking into the perpetual mire
of mediocrity, and also keeps us solvent."
"Hey, no problem, pal," said a still affable Kirk, though
his grin had taken on a flinty edge, "I mean, it's not like
no one ever *saw* 'The Haunting'."
"Oh, look!" interrupted Jar Jar, pointing vaguely outwards
into the dusty landscape, "Green wimmin!"
As Kirk ran undecoriously but robustly towards the horizon, our
three characters got down to business.
"Izza sad 'n' scary, " related Jar Jar, "Youza
must finda evil 'n' slappum down like loxies on bagels! Loxy me
cousin, so meeza know."
"What you say has merit," said a pensive Qui, wondering
if conventions offered a large percentage of the take, "I
felt a powerful disturbance in the Force........"
"When the evil of chaos once again took up residence and
pooled in the backwash of this unlamented and one-horse galaxy
far, far away, Master?" asked Obi-Wan, high-stepping in silt.
"No," corrected Qui thoughtfully, "When I found
out that, in Part 2, I'm being played by Dudley Moore."
"Weeza havin' spunky trip, then?" asked Jar Jar while
screwing snorkels into his ears.
"Apparently so," acknowledged Qui-Gon, "And I have
taken precautions against any untoward surprises this time. I
have studied the idioms of this species so that we might acclimate
ourselves and effectively reach our goal in the comfort of familiarity."
"By viewing 'Baywatch' tapes, Master?" prodded Obi-Wan
gently, "Do you think that's........befitting?"
"I'm a Jedi Knight, Obi," stated Qui, "Not a monk."
"Letza go now, ok?" cried Jar Jar, dreams of adventure
and retail centers stuffed with action figures gurgling through
his brain.
"It is well, Obi," said Qui striding away with a dramatic
flourish, "That our aquatic friend had the foresight to provide
us with a space-faring vehicle adequate for our needs. Perhaps
we have underestimated the cognitive abilities of kelp."
"Oh, yessiree," nodded a gratified Jar Jar, "Meeza
smart, you bet. Ha! That poo-brain, Howard the Duck, he bein'
eatin' heeza heart out, for sure!"
To be continued...........